Taking on the Euro…..

From 2007….

As many of you who know me are aware, one of the highlights of my year is coming up. Yes folks its Eurovision time.

OK lets get this clear from the start. I love the Eurovision. Its so fucking tacky, cheesy and downright embarresing, it makes Peep Show look positively normal. Great toe curling stuff. But its so much more than that. People dismiss it. But when I was a mere nipper it was one of those “everyone gather round the rented TV from Rediffusion or DER” moments. The seventies was a classic time for the Eurovision where songs were sung in English which almost had no meaning.

For example

Holland – “Ding a Dong” by Teach-In ’75
“Ding a dong every hour, when you a pick a flower, even when your lover is gone gone gone” – and that won!

“I wanna be a polar bear” – Izhar Cohen and the Alpha-Betas 1978

Maybe it was a bit cheesy, but it was entertaining. And then the 80s came along and as usual the fashion disaster that was that decade came into play. And god said “Thy Eurovision shall because fucking painful” – he was right (Anyone who needs convincing, just do an image search on Belle and the Devotions)In the 90’s the Eurovision tried to be serious and contempary at the same time. Didn’t work. The game was up when in 98 the competition was won by a transgender israili – two oppressed stereotypes rolled into one. Since then I think the Eurovision has been trying to take the piss out of itself. You know, in the way that the kid bullied at school takes the piss out of themselves when being bullied by the big boys outside the tuck shop. It’s just self presevation. Mind you Lordi won it last year, and that DID take the piss but in a very successful way.

But you can group eurovision entries into various categories these days
a) The DIVA – following in the footsteps of Dana International, Celene Dion. Have a bird with a dramatic voice and even more dramatic hair gives you a fighting chance.
b) The boy band – have some pretty boys dancing and singing with the look on their face that they have just taken it up the Gary, always certain to get marks
c) The traditional music song – steep yourself in your culture and be certain to get points from neighbouring countries who are in tune for you. This method will not work for the UK because they have no national cultural identity and all our neighbours hate us.
d) The novelty number – take the piss. Every year you get the novelty numbers, but apart from the blatant piss take from Lordi, it rarely is a winner.
e) Don’t bother. The Italian ain’t bothered for years now.

So who’s going to win this year? Well clear favourite is Sweden. Not sure why. Oh yes, I am sure why. Because they have resurrected Marc Bolan and unwrapped him from the oak tree and purple mini. OK so its 30 years since his death and he would have been 60 this year, but would he REALLY have wanted to be connected to the Eurovision?

Switzerland and Belarus are hottly tipped too – both seem to be taking the slightly gothic rock route. As usual countries view what won last year and try and jump on the gravy train after its left beef station. Switzerland is especially annoying with their vampires are alive. They are not. And you are a cunt for thinking so.

Talking of cunts, check out the Ukraine Entry – 3 years ago they swept to victory with Ruslana and her wild dances. This year its very very different. I challenge ANYONE not to see the video of their entry and not say out loud “OH WHAT A CUNT!”

As for my home country Cyprus…hmmm interesting. Its one of the better entries, if a little evenesence. I have an issue with it being sung in french I have to admit. Reminds me of the Luxembourg 1983 winner. We should get through the semi’s and have a healthy showing in the final. Enough to make me proud of my country!

My final word has to go to Scooch. Totally gay – no two ways about it “Would you like some complimentary nuts” – if the old voting system was in place then it would be bugger all. But now the votes are down to the people of Europe. now I hate people – to coin a phrase “you can’t trust people – people like coldplay and voted for the nazi’s”. I have a sneaky feeling that it will be the UK’s best placing for many a year. It may even be a dark horse, but obviously a horse in a Brokeback Mountain sort of way….

I’m off to ponder and lose myself in 1970 Eurovision action…..