Take me out….and shoot me

I’ve just flicked on the TV to catch they dying moments of Take Me Out. I feel violated by this. Its yet another addition in the ITV cannon of “Utterly Crap TV”.

Time after time this detritus is thrown in our direction. In one corner there are millions thrown at reality style shows. All of these have one M.O – humiliation sells so lets make more of it. The pinnacle of this obviously is “I’m not really a celebrity, but i’m so desperate for fame, I’d happily eat a kangaroo anus to get my fame back” – a show so contrived it makes the challenges on Top Gear look genuine. A has been or wannabe gets paid 65 grand just for taking part, presented by the poor man’s chuckle brothers, Ant and Dec (who are obviously being paid even more) being flown to Australia and being humiliated.

In the next is the exploitation of the thick general public in “Britain really has fuck all talent” and “The Twat Factor”. OK we all know creepy Cowell is rubbing his hands at the amount of money he’s making, but what worries me are not the ‘hopefuls’ who take part (lets face it, Joe Mcfuck who won it this year doesn’t have the X Factor – he was just the best of a very bad bunch), but its the screaming fans – I mean how fickle does Joe Public need to be? They suddenly start screaming at some nobody because they have appeared. You have to think that the audience would scream at whoever, like they want to be as famous as them. I also doubt this whole fast track to fame business – all of the really talent people out there had to serve their apprenticeships in some smelly old pub or a cold theatre must be quite bitter that some cockend like Ray Quim just rocks up, is a bit of a freak and now seems to have appeared in most West End musicals – as Withnail said “and a tanner for his arse”

Now i’ve been whacked by a double header of tradegy – All Star Mr & Mrs. Even with my nostalgic Derek Batey/Alan Taylor glasses off, it was a bit of a rubbish show before. But now, following hot off the heels of All Star Family Fortunes, presented by Vernon Cunt (I know its not his name, but come on reader…it should be shouldn’t it) its another show from the past given a new celeb lease of life because the tv execs have no ideas or imagination anymore.  But this was nothing compared to what preceeded it. Take Me Out. I was watching it with a face of disgust like watching two eels shagging in a bucket of snot. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Here are some basic pointers for you

1. It’s a format already ‘popular’ in Australia. So firstly, not original. From my research I found out the following “It was removed from schedules in its fourth week after screening 19 episodes, due to continuing mediocre ratings”. OK ITV – you think you can polish this turd. Its already gone from a station in Oz with a 17.2% share to one with a 0.2% audience share. It was axed in its 4th week – after being moved from a primetime slot to the midnight graveyard shift.
2. In Australia it had the more appropriate name “Taken Out”
3. The UK people seemed to have deliberately picked chavs. Its full of hairdressers and nailcare people. They type of people who think Gavin and Stacey is actually funny, and walk down the street going “Am I bovvered” and “I want that one” and think they are really funny and cool. No, you are a chav scum with limited intelligence.
4. It is presented by Paddy McGuinness. This in itself isn’t a crime. OK he got a career in TV by being Peter Kays’ mate, but he’s clung in there, and work is work – you have to be a bit of a whore in this business. But in the ratings obsessed world we live in and the need to follow demographs, why did the producers pick him? Does he appeal to chavs that much? Did Denise Van Shouten turn it down? Is it too lower class for even John Barrowman to present? I’m still trying to work it out…
5. The show itself – well I thought you couldn’t make a downmarket Blind Date. Its pretty obvious that I am horrifically wrong. A stupid theme tune and lots of flashing lights will not bring anything to the show which is fundamentally floored. Even Blind Dates one interesting thing (the audience seeing the dates but the picker doesn’t) has been removed. Now it has all the grace and glamour of a really bad suburban nightclub meat market, where people literally go to pull and nothing else. (Anyone ever been to Oceana in Kingston will know what I mean)

I see myself as quite an intelligent chap (I have a Physics degree for fuck sake), but really this is more insulting to it than X factor ever was. Why oh why do ITV keep putting out this shit on a Saturday evening – is it a ploy to get people to go out more? Are they in league with pubs or something? Its even sponsored by Dominos, the saviour of Saturday nights in.

I’m happy to listen to comments telling me that ITV actually make anything decent anymore. Next week we will have Ant and Dec trying to shit out pine cones whilst Vernon Cunt gets someone to wipe excess dribble off his shoulder.

I have a feeling this isn’t the end of my ranting….