It’s gong season..or should I say mong season

In respect of all the bumlicking award ceremonies that are happening at the moment, I thought I’d bring up another classic rant of mine from a couple of years ago….

Right, i’m going to have a rant. About awards ceremonies. What a fucking bunch of foreskin they really are. I had the unfortunate experience of catching some of the Comedy awards last night, but I’ll leave that for a bit. First I’d like to have a rant about Sports Personality of the Year.

Now what the fuck has happened to that. Cue the usual, keep cutting to famous people in the audience so that Auntie Mabel can say “oooo doesn’t he look well for his age” or “oooo look, she’s got a new haircut”. FUCK OFF!! Wanky titwanky bollocks.

Firstly let me talk about the Young Personality. Who won? The blind world champion runner girl, wiping out the competition? No? Was it the 16 year old table tennis player who is British No.1 and has won loads of titles even though he is so young. No…its was the stupidly eyebrowed Theo Wankalot. And what has he done…erm played a couple of times for Arsenal, and famously NOT being picked for any of Englands World Cup games, even though he was really the only fit striker in the squad that didn’t look like a ostrich (i.e. Crouchy)…I was going to say a freak, but hey…

And then there was Zara “I never have to worry about credit card bills” Phillips. Zara ”I have done nothing, but be given everything I want including a world beating horse” Phillips has been handed the Great British public’s vote for BBC sports personality of the year. An award that I would have thought needed a personality to be won.
To paraphrase “the stuck up bint didn’t deserve BBC Personality thing…but I would say she’s well deserving of taking my full payload in her face. I would. Posh birds, always complete filth in the sack..” That would be true of course except she looks too much like her mum. And probably her horse too. But to be totally fair the top 10 were so weak i’m not surprised. Lots of people I’ve not heard of, people who have achieved virtually fuck all (Jenson Button, another cunting silver spoon), a couple of boxers and Phil dartsman Taylor, who is the biggest winner the lot. I didnt mention Darren Clarke, because he is a golfer, and golf is the most shitty cuntingly bollocks sport ever invented, by people up their own arse in stupid pringle/slazenger wear and come up with “Yes its an amazing sport…just you against the ball”. No mate its just you against the fact you are a bigger cunt than Noel Edmunds. I bet he plays Golf…..I digress….

And then there was the British Comedy awards. That actually made the Sports Personality of the Year award look like it had credibility. Yes again cue to various shots of semi famous people in the audience so that Uncle Derek can say “Ohhhh I thought he was dead” or “Fwoar Fuck me, check out the bristols on that one”. But of course it was presented by Jonathan Ross, a more vapid and irritating self promoting arrogant cunt I’ve yet to meet. Do you think anyone has ever had the balls to tell him he CAN’T TALK PROPERLY. You know…like when you meet a girl with a bit of a tash, no one quite has the balls to tell her. And when Mr Ross speaks all I hear is “fluberdy flub flub flub awwwwight, we’ll be back awfta this bweak”. How has that cunt got a career I’ll never know. Oh yeah, he probably bummed the director. Thats the one. Anyway looking at some of the awards. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING

Best female comedy newcome : Charlotte “Voice of an angel, vagina of a hippo” Church. How the FUCK did that happen? She is NOT funny. The only thing she actually has going for her is she is welsh. And her crack habit obviously.

Outstanding contribution to entertainment Chris Tarrent. For being a smug bigamist who goes hawking in Esher? Hmmm right. He should never have left Tiswas…

And then there is Ant and Dec. Yeah come on then you fucking spam head geordie fuckbuddies. I’m not hard right, but I could fucking rumble them without even breaking stride. You sum up everything that is wrong with ITV, who’s orginal idea was to produce quality broadcasting to everyone. Yeah, and we get you two cunts popping up with your cunting takeaway. Well I hope your takeaway gives you cunting botulism. If you turned up on his slab at the mortuary I think Quincy would throw a fucking party. But of course they won an award as the Peoples Choice. This proves to show that most people in this country are really stupid fuckers who revel in the world of mediocracy and believe everything they read in the Sun. And don’t even get me started on “I’m a celebrity who’s fucking so washed up i’m going to lose my dignity on national tv just so I can stay in the limelight a little bit longer because I need it to support my crack habit”. And who won that? Matt Penis from Busted. He’s a cunt. He came to a gig of mine one. He is a arrogant tosser who kind of walks with his cock sticking out…know what I mean?

Don’t get me wrong there have been some fime comedies this year…Mitchell and Webb actually did something different with the sketch show (see later), Green Wing, Man O Man with Dean Learner and the Boosh (if you take away all those hoards of screaming teenage girls who if you said to them “I got a hug off Noel Fielding” they would actually attack you like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction).

But then there is more of the detritus. Harry Hill used to be a fave of mine, but his TV burp..its just a rehash of older shows. Waste of a very funny man I think.

And then we have Mr Gervais. Is it just me or has he actually disappeared into his own arse of luvvydom? Its like “im better than anyone because I’m mate with De Niro you know”. Its a less class version of the Oliviers etc. And lets face one simple fact…he is so not funny now and actually thinks he is comedy GOLD. He is only playing himself in his shows the same as that Kat Slater bird only played herself. And he’s in the latest Ben Stiller film too. I mean…how did he get that part (see Jonathan Ross comment above)

Russell Brand. Ohhh regular readers of my myspace will know how much I love the fluffy haired funny man. Actually he’s a fucking waste of oxygen, he has a small penis, and gets upset when Bob Geldof called him a cunt. Well come on Brand you useless piece of drug taking shit. Come have a go if you think you are hard enough. Oh sorry you ain’t.

Little Britain/Catherine Tate. I will always lump these two together. Why? Because THEY ARE NOT FUNNY! Not just that…every episode they are not funny because the JOKES ARE THE SAME. Literally every week its the same old fucking crap shite. And even worse its like a chav’s favourite show. All the burbury love it. And there is NO CRIME when they are on because they are all watching it on their stolen tellies saying “am i bovver’d” and “I wan’t that one”. Be smart. Walk AWAY!!! Sktech shows do NOT have to be the same every week. Classics such as Python were constantly changing, and Mitchell and Webb is carrying on that tradition. It kind of makes we wish that Messrs Lucas, Walliams and Tate were in the vicinity of Hungerford around 1988.

And this was all in 15 minutes, then realise I would rather cut off my ballbag with a rusty knife. It was horrific. I’m scarred. I want to sue ITV for subjecting us to this shit. But lets face it, they’d send round Ant and Dec. Suicide….my only escape